I just wanted to pick up our daughter, from her activity, run to the grocery store, and be home before it was dinner time. That was all that was in my mind; I had forgotten to leave the house armed and prepared for another opportunity to be used in the Kingdom. It wasn't even on my mind, but the Kingdom is all around us, and God will bring it right in front of you, even when you are not looking.
I had just found a parking spot in the center of the parking lot. It was two days before Thanksgiving and crowded, and I did not want to waste time by driving around looking for a better location; this was good enough.
I had my list ready, and I gave the kids my typical grocery store speech, "Okay guys. I have a list. We are only getting what is on the list. I want to be in and out of the store in less than an hour. Are you ready?"
I looked down to grab my purse and find my list. My daughter said, "Mom" in a sweet attention getting way. I looked up and saw an immigrant woman and her young daughter looking right at us; holding a white sign explaining their need for help! We were not even parked near the front of the store, or on the edges, where I would think it to be more likely for "beggars" to be wondering around. We were in a center spot in a center aisle! What would prompt her to choose us at this very moment that I pulled up?
"Oh good Lord!" I exclaimed with a tone of exasperation, and then I became instantly aware of my blasphemy and so I continued to say, "who takes care of all our needs!" I was hoping my children did not catch my hint of being inconvenienced (though I am admitting that this was my honest first reaction). My oldest daughter told me later she wasn't sure if I was being serious or sarcastic.
Giving to someone who was asking for help was not on my radar. This was not on my schedule or on my list. But, here we were... we were chosen in this moment to notice and to help. Fortunately, because giving has been on our overall radar since 2007, and because we have intentionally made a plan for it, we were prepared for the occasion though "inconvenient".
If your giving is always convenient, than maybe it is not truly giving the giving truly needed.
I told the kids to stay in the car, and I stepped out to greet her and find out her need. She was just feet away from my door.
I was able to find out that she was from Bulgaria and they did have a house and car. She said they needed help with groceries. She spoke very little English. She spoke a little Spanish (which I thought was odd and suspicious). Her daughter remained quiet. She had mentioned needing groceries for the family, and so I offered for her to shop while I shopped, and we could pay for her groceries at the checkout line.
Then, she told me her sister would be back to get her, and she was able to communicate that a gift card would be better so she could get the groceries later. So, I offered to get her a Wal-mart gift card. This seemed reasonable so her and this little girl were not standing there for hours with bags of groceries waiting for their ride.
However, she then asked for a Visa gift card so she could use it at "more stores" like Target and the Pharmacy for medicines. I'll admit, I was getting a little irritated that my offer for the Wal-mart gift card was not being received as "enough" with complete gratitude.
I threw my wild card question out at her, "How much do you need?"
She looked caught off guard. She replied in broken English, "However much you give."
I asked again, "How much do you need?" I was going to make her be brave enough to ask for what she needed. Following Luke 6:30, I would give to her whatever she asks, but she has to ask. I was trusting God to supply.
She finally picked something, "Fifty."
"Fifty-dollars?" I double checked. Honestly relieved it was only fifty dollars. This was a bite-sized amount I thought we could do. We had about three-hundred in our Benevolence account available, but I had other "ministry" projects I had already planned to use those funds for.
She answered, "Yes". She was very grateful.
I motioned for my children to get out of the car, and we all started to walk into Wal-mart. I asked how long they had been trying to get help. She said, "Three hours." I tried to discern if anyone else had offered to help. Was she "racking up?"on her scheme (which would justify my suspicious anger), or were we the only "saints" that had cared enough to pay attention, listen, and take action to help (which would justify why we should be benevolent)? It shouldn't have mattered, but I was curious.
My mind was at war: throwing up all sorts of defenses and excuses to not help this woman while at the same time justifying why we should. I started to be very suspicious about the story, her intentions, and of course how dare she use this poor "daughter" as part of her prop to get more sympathy. I tried to talk with the daughter to see how old she was, but she did not respond. I assumed she did not speak English. The mom told me she was seven.
No matter what suspicions I was having, I knew I was going to go inside and choose to give her what she was asking for as an act of service, instead of what I wanted to give to her: a $50 Visa Gift Card!
A true act of giving is to give what is requested, not what you are offering.
We were on our way to do this, and then we would be back on track to get my list done and get home.
I did not like the questions I had about where she came from: was she really from Bulgaria? Why did she speak some Spanish too? I did not like the suspicions about the little girl with her. I especially did not like her "picky-ness" in asking for the Visa Gift Card instead of the Wal-mart gift card. My conditioned suspicions about how she may "spend the money" were flashing up everywhere.
But, I do not want to live by those principles of doubt and fear. I practice overcoming those by living in a spirit of love and peace and kindness without judgement. This is not easy, but it is doable because I have Jesus Christ, His mind, His heart, and His spirit, living inside me. And I was choosing to do it no matter what my thoughts, fears, and doubts were. After all, this is why we started a "giving ministry". To give.
To give when it's inconvenient.
To give when it's uncomfortable.
To give to those who may seem unworthy (though they are not).
To give without judgement about the recipient or how they will use the gift.
To give without strings attached.
To give because we have been given so much.
But, I was about to be challenged on a new level. My Kingdom training was kicking it up a notch.
* * * * * * *
As we walked into the store, I took the opportunity to justify the "why" we were doing this.
"Do you know Jesus Christ?" I asked her.
She put her hand to her heart and smiled. "Yes, Jesus Christ" she replied.
That satisfied me to know that she knew our gift was because of our devotion to the Lord Jesus, and I felt burden-free trusting that somehow if she was pulling a fast one on us (AKA taking advantage), He would know about it and He will deal with it. My part was simply obedience when called upon. Not judgement. Not questioning. It was clear, we had been "called upon".
When we got to the kiosk of gift cards, I started to scan the Visa Debit Cards. It may seem like a small thing, but to me, I really did not want to "waste" the extra money purchasing a Visa Debit Card. Last time I had checked, a few years ago, there was an additional charge of around $2-$3 per card just to activate it, and then there were various fees associated with the card thereafter. I personally call these charges "Cash in the trash" and did not like the idea of any of our "donation" being cash in the trash. However, I also was aware of the importance of giving to this woman on the terms that she felt comfortable with, not just what I wanted to do. After all, it was supposed to be meeting her needs.
I was able to quickly assess two things: Most of the cards announced that there were no additional charges once you purchase the card, and that the fee to purchase the card had increased to about $5.44. That's a 5% charge for every $100.00!
Press on. Just buy the card and move on. Don't over analyze it.
My stomach started to hurt. I was clearly at war within my opinions, intentions, and the reality of the situation.
So, I fought back my flesh. I decided to double her request.
Like Matthew 5:41 tells us to "Go the extra mile."
I went to the bottom of the kiosk and picked up a nice card that could be charged up to $100.00.
I thought she would be overcome with thankfulness, but when I showed it to her, she immediately started to point to a different card that could be loaded with up to $500.00. She started to ask for more "if possible" to help with "pharmacy" for her daughter and then "pharmacy" for her. As she requested this, she lifted up the front of her shirt to show us her stomach which looked abnormal (for lack of a nice way to describe it). It was my assumption that she must have had some surgery and was needing medication for something. The communication barrier was not helping. She asked for $200.00!
At this point, I could hear my husband's voice in my head saying, "Walk away. Teach her not to be ungrateful." My stomach was burning. I felt stuck in time and not sure what move to make next. My commitment to "Give to the one who asks of you" was requiring that I give four-times the original amount requested. I was perplexed as to whether my giving was enabling her to "take advantage" or truly helping her.
I put back the card I had chosen and picked up the card she had suggested. I still was not sure I was going to put the $200.00 on the card, but we all got into the checkout line.
As we were standing there, I was talking to my daughters quietly through gritted teeth.
"What do you guys think we should do?" I said carefully and subtly so the woman would not hear me.
Our girls have been trained in giving since they were very young, so I find that they do not have the pre-built judgments that my husband and I struggle with.
Both of our daughters said to give the $200.00. My stomach was still burning. I still felt overwhelmed by the possibility that I had taken a wrong turn somehow in our giving and that this was wreckless giving... not what Christians would label as "good stewardship".
The check out line was taking longer than I had hoped, and so I asked my girls if they would go ahead and take our cart and the list and get the refrigerated items I had written down. I would meet up with them as soon as I was done. They left and my son and I finished checking out.
It seemed like every step of the process, I had to keep "making myself" do the "right thing". It was simply a choice to make and then it would be done. One step at a time.
I handed the cashier the gift card.
"How much would you like to put on the card?" she asked.
"Two-hundred dollars." I answered... making myself do it.
The cashier struggled with entering the card number and I waited.
Finally, I swiped our Benevolence debit card. Almost done.
Then this popped up on the screen:
"Would you like cash back?"
Immediately, my first thought was, "No! I am NOT getting more cash out. She has already asked for way more than I offered." And then, I did the only thing I knew to do to crucify that selfish, ungiving, and uncheerful spirit, I chose $20.00 cash back. And, I have to say, when I did that, it was like kicking the devil in the teeth, and I knew I had won. I knew I had gone way farther than I had been asked to go. Even though I wish I had done it cheerfully every step of the way, I knew I had reached the peak of the victory which was that I was going to give even more than what my flesh already did not like.
Jesus said that his life was not taken from Him, He willingly gave it (John 10:18) We know the story, even He was not too excited about the prospect of the method in which God chose to use His life to free us all. But, He did it anyway. He crucified the flesh. Many say that He was crucified by those soldiers, but it was Jesus Himself who gave Himself up. They did not take His life. He gave it. From this place of surrender, He was actually the one in control and empowered more than ever. It gave His sacrifice life and fruit that would not have been there otherwise.
And so, I gave her the $200.00 Visa Debit card AND the $20.00 cash. She was joyful as she hugged me and said, "Thank you."
Her little girl said, "Thank You." She did speak English!
No assumptions.
No judgments.
Flesh, let it go!
To God alone be the honor and the glory. If not for her, I did it for Him.
* * * * * * *
Even as we were walking around the grocery store, I noticed I still had a knot-like burning feeling in my stomach every time I recalled what had just happened. I continued to question if I had done the right thing.
I mentioned this question to my girls, and here is what they said.,
Daughter Age 11: "Mom, what if God was testing you?"
Daughter Age 13: "You asked her if she knew Jesus. You told her you did. What would she think about Jesus if you had said that and then did not give what she had asked for? You are Jesus' representative."
Wow!
Could God have been "testing me"? If so, I am SOOOO glad I gave extra!
And, "Jesus' representatives"? Absolutely! The Word says we are His ambassadors! I had forgotten my role in the moments of questioning. I am proud to represent Christ.
How could I feel bad after those perspectives.... from the audience of my children?
And then, as we left the store, I got into our Dodge Grand Caravan... the same one that our family was GIVEN just two years ago as a gift!
How quickly my mind was humbled to recognize I hadn't given hardly anything.... $220.00 compared to the $12,000 van I was driving home in; driving home to the debt-free house that the Lord gave us, through a myriad of circumstances that worked in our favor, just over a year ago.
How quickly we can lose perspective and forget all that we have been given.
Even I do this. Someone who is completely devoted to taking God at His literal Word and loving people who most people pass by or ignore.
This encounter revealed that even I can still struggle in the moments when I battle what I've been taught with what I now know to be truth, and I can still lose perspective. But the struggles we have are not the important element; it is what we choose to do in that struggle that determines the outcome... for us all.
* * * * * * *
The war is real. The battle between selfishness and selflessness. The battle to be in control and to give up all control to whatever the Lord can do in and through you at any given moment. The battle between judging others and simply just loving others. But, if you fight it - with the spiritual weapons* we have been given... you too will win and so will those around you.
*The spiritual weapons, I reference, are acting according to the Word of God as the Holy Spirit brings it to mind in whatever situation you face.
