Fortunately, our family is more able financially to help and more frequently; unfortunately, because we have our needs met more comfortably, I notice we stay too busy to make the time to give as frequently as we used to. We used to give out of our own necessity; however even though giving was a huge mechanism we used to apply the Word of God, to get us out of our own poverty situation, it needs to remain an integral part of our everyday mindset and life for the sake of others and the Kingdom of God to operate fully in each and all of our lives.
I just returned from this last giving experience, and I told myself I would sit down and write the details before I allow myself to eat breakfast. I feel an obligation to not only feed those less fortunate than us real food but also to feed those who will find this post in a much more nourishing and long-lasting way.
It is my desire to not boast of the works that I do, but to allow transparency into my experiences in hopes that they will be relatable and somehow help you as you experience similar thoughts and hindrances to being able to give freely to those you encounter.
* * *
I had dropped off my son at school and needed to take the extra time to run in some medication to his nurse. I had not budgeted this when I had previously asked my oldest daughter if she wanted to work for me for thirty minutes before she went to her school.
She has a morning job, and her employer did not need her this morning, so I thought it was a great opportunity to not only bless her with some paid work but it would hopefully provide accountability for me to actually get some time-sensitive things in the mail today. Anyone who knows me closely will know that I have an issue with papers. I feel the need to look at and sort every one of them, I take notes on everything, and it's an ongoing struggle for me to do anything with them! I had just attempted to sort one of my stacks last Friday and had found bills, annual renewals, and insurance issues that needed to be addressed immediately. I did what I could and then left the unfinished stack on the coffee table throughout the whole weekend. It definitely needed to be my first priority today and I was dreading getting back to it, because it is tedious.
I was pulling out of the school, and I realized I was leaving about ten minutes later than expected, and at the same time I had offered to run by the nearby Wal-mart and pick up a few special request items for my son's favorite homemade macaroni and cheese recipe he has been craving for the past week. As a token of gratitude for him willingly getting in the car for school, or perhaps it was delayed bribery, I had offered to make it for him for an after school snack.
Oops! My attempts to be productive and generous with my children suddenly conflicted. There was no way I would be able to do both right now. So, I called my daughter to see what her getting ready for school status was. Would she have time to work for me by 8 AM?
She said she did; however, she wanted to leave by 8:20 rather than the 8:30 time I had anticipated. I checked my maps app and my arrival would be by 8:05. That only left us fifteen minutes, but truly I knew I needed someone's help to make me get those papers scanned, envelopes written, and checks in the mail; otherwise, they would most likely fall down my list and miss today's postman who comes before lunch. So, I told her how she could get started and I would be there shortly after.
I decided I would just get back out for a grocery trip or utilize our grocery delivery service if needed. All was working out, and I was on my way to a productive Monday morning and week.
I played a show tune in the car over and over as I practiced the voice inflections and facial expression options, so that I would be ready to coach my other daughter for her theater audition tomorrow. I was feeling very productive and accomplished as a mother who is managing and balancing the busy and sometimes overwhelming task of simply taking care of her children and household.
As I was close to home, I was pulling up to the stoplight to make a right-hand turn. I saw the older man standing on the edge of the street, up on the curb. He had a long white beard, a cane, and when I made my judgments about him, I decided he did not look like a typical homeless person. I assumed I could believe his cardboard sign that stated "VETERAN".
I was in a rush to keep all of my balls in the air, and though my heart went out to him, I quickly thought I did not have the time to add one more thing to my immediate morning schedule. I made eye contact with him and then looked back at the turn I was about to make, and as I passed him I said out loud, "Sorrrrry" with a sincere and sad face to match my sincere words.
As I turned, I realized he must have seen my words mouth that, and I regretted mouthing that out loud. How rude was that? For him to be standing there in the cold asking each one of us for help, and he knows I saw him and my response was, "Sorry."
Sorry I can't stop to help you or
Sorry I won't stop to help you?
The truth was I wanted to help him, but it was just bad timing.
I thank God for His Holy Spirit that is able to communicate with me an understanding in an instant.
The article I had just skimmed the previous day flashed into my mind. Something about,
"More veterans have committed suicide since the war than were lost in the Vietnam war."
I am not a history expert, but I knew I had learned it was a big deal that so many Americans had died in the Vietnam war. I also had wondered why it does not seem to be a big deal if this article was true?
Wisdom entered my thoughts and I knew I needed to stop and take the time. Suddenly, my agenda paled in comparison to the value of this man's life.
I took the next right turn into a parking lot and was making my way back over to that man when I called my daughter.
"Hello," she answered.
"I just can't," I said.
"I just can't come home and not help this man."
I imagined she was confused about what I was talking about, and so I backtracked and told her I had seen that article and this man's Veteran sign and I could not miss the opportunity to stop and at least buy him breakfast.
She said okay; I knew she understood because this has been our family's way of life since she has been little. We stop. We take the time. We throw our plans out the window and we try to say to people, "You are seen. You are loved. You are worthy. How can we meet your need today and help you with what you think is your need?"
She sweetly asked if there was anything I needed her to do before she left for school,and I gave her an idea of something she could do.
I parked the car and called out to the man. He turned around and we walked closer to each other.
I asked him if I could buy him breakfast, and then I realized to ask him what I could do to help him.
This is a braver question I have been trying to train myself to use. Am I truly willing to help people with what they need and want and trust God that I have everything I need to help them attain that, or do I continue to offer help on my own terms. Both are generous, but the former requires more faith and an attitude of sacrifice on my part.
He answered, "I was hoping to get some money."
I politely asked what he would use the money for.
"Some breakfast and lunch," he replied.
"Would you like me to buy you breakfast at one of these restaurants or would you like to meet me at the store and I can buy you some groceries for the day?"
There was a Wal-mart at least a few hundred feet away from us.
He liked the idea of the groceries.
I felt bad getting back into my car and having him walk all the way over there. At the same time, I do not feel safe inviting strangers into my car; especially men.
I surveyed the items he was carrying and what he was wearing to see if he had any places he could have hidden anything dangerous to me. He wasn't wearing a heavy coat, and his pockets were flat on his body. He carried his cane in his right hand along with a tied up plastic bag that looked like it had something flat - probably his sign folded up in it.
I started to invite him to let me give him a ride over to the Wal-mart.
"I usually do not offer rides to strangers, because it can be dangerous," I told him.
He agreed and offered to walk himself and meet me there. This was a good sign that he was probably safe - he was respecting my boundaries. I noticed when he talked, he talked a bit slow with somewhat of a slur. He did not sound like a dangerous person. Just a man who was in an unfortunate situation and from the way he sounded, I assumed it would be harder for him to communicate and get his needs met. We tend to move fast as a society and don't have much patience for helping the people who cannot keep up- whether by their own choices or life's choices for them.
I caved to my sympathies toward him.
"If you can assure me you are safe, I can take you over to Wal-mart," I said, recognizing how stupid and vulnerable that sounded. Probably offensive as well.
He was thankful and approached the passenger side of the van. As I opened the door for him, I made one more glance at everything he had in his possession and as long as his cane ended up on the right side of him, I felt safe.
When I got in the driver's seat, he said, "Thank you. I am homeless."
I did not understand why he would say that, so to clarify, I said, "You are homeless?"
"No," he stuttered a bit as he talked, "I am home-less".
I still did not understand what he was saying, but I understood he was not telling me he was homeless. Clearly, he was having a hard time saying what he meant.
"You are home-less?" I asked again, enunciating the word.
"No, I am home-less," he said slower with more effort.
And then it hit me (probably Holy Spirit help again), "Oh! You are harmless!" I announced.
He nodded his head and laughed because I understood.
He wanted to assure me I was safe.
As I drove us to the store, I noticed his U.S. Navy hat. I asked him which war he was a part of.
"Fortunately, I was in the military in the 80's during a time of peace," he said.
In my ignorance, I was quick to judge and wonder if that meant he was a true veteran in the sense of the word. I assumed veterans were people who had fought in wars. (I told you I am not highly educated in history or civics; which I assume is a common phenomenon in our country that lends itself to why our veterans may be falling through the cracks with so many of us who truly have the skill sets to help and the hearts to care.)
I asked where he lives, and he said he was currently staying with a friend in his apartment. This was good. I was happy he had a place to stay. He told me he was trying to save up money so he can pay to stay in a motel. My mind immediately went to the place of being in the deep end of a body of water. I knew that a motel is a waste of money when it is a long term solution for someone's living arrangement, but I also knew (from many past experiences) it takes a lot of work and fortitude for anyone to get out of that vicious cycle to be able to find affordable and sustainable housing. Perhaps the motel was reasonable and gave discounted rates for long term stays. We have seen those are options. I moved off these thoughts as we pulled into a parking spot.
After we got out of the van, I was trying to figure out the best way to proceed. Honestly, I still felt a sense of pressure to speed things up and get back home for my day. The thought of taking this man shopping for his daily groceries sounded like a time-consuming process because he was older and walked with a cane. He had mentioned he had arthritis, in the short drive, and that the cold weather was making it harder for his knees. So, it was not totally selfish that I proposed that I could buy him breakfast at the McDonalds and while he was eating, I would go get some food for his lunch. I did have the thought that I should take the time to sit down and eat with him, but I discounted that thought.
Looking back over this as I write, I am saddened by that. I remember in our poverty the feelings I had when people would generously give us their money, but would not sit down and have a meal with us. I felt so ostracized and so alone. I know better and I should have done better here.
But, I guess I am conditioned to follow the logistical checklist in my head. To multi-task. To be busy staying busy and forget to stop and be intentional in each moment that presents itself as an opportunity for true connection with another human being. Whether I need it for me or not, he may have needed it from me.
To not look at helping people as a checklist item to accomplish, but rather making the time to take whatever time is needed to enter into someone else's world until there is peace about moving on to the next thing. Oh, I have so many memories that hurt my soul when I think of the many people who have done this to me, to our family. They probably were not aware at the time either.
He gave me his order, and I thought about just telling him he could order for himself. I wanted to give him dignity and honor. However, I did recognize his difficulty communicating, and it just made sense to go on and order for him.
"Do you want to add cheese to your sausage egg biscuit?" I asked him.
Normally, I feel bitter about paying the extra charge on cheese at fast food places, because I know it is overpriced, but in this situation, I was hoping he would say yes so that I would know he had a meal with as much protein and fat as he could need to last him as long as it could for the day.
He wanted cheese. Good.
"We will add cheese to that," I told the cashier.
She asked what drink he wanted, and I anticipated saying coffee, which is what he had told me earlier, but he jumped in with a big smile as if it was a bonus offer and said, "Diet-Coke".
I asked for light ice to make sure he had more coke than ice, and she told me it was self-serve.
The cashier asked if I wanted anything else. I did not. I could tell she could tell what was going on, and it pleased me to see that she had a small smile in the corner of her mouth. I was thankful to be able to operate as some light in the moment. I was thankful she noticed kindness. I am hopeful she will be inspired to join in and help when she can as well.
She told me it was $5.94. That was it?
I was tickled that it was so inexpensive to make a difference in someone's day and life. I paid and gave him the receipt so he could stay and get his food while I went and shopped. It had occurred to me that I could also buy the ingredients for my son while I was in there as well. This was working out in my favor as well after all.
I asked him what his name was. It suddenly occurred to me that I had not given him the respect of simply calling him by his name!
"Mark," he said.
"I am Rachelle, " I introduced myself as I shook his hand.
I asked him what sort of foods he liked. He was not able to answer this but told me that he needed soft foods because he had bad teeth. I kept looking at his bottom row of teeth that were showing and thinking they looked great. However, I could not see the top row, so I trusted he knew what he was talking about.
"Do you like bananas?" I asked. He did not look thrilled. Bananas are my go-to food for powering up my mood and energy. I would have to be more creative. The Lord would help me.
I told Mark I would be back. I felt like a mother assuring her child that she could be trusted. It occured to me how horrible it would be to abandon someone in this situation, and I wondered if that happens to vulnerable people like himself; if people say they will help, and then disappear and don't come back. What a terrible thought!
As I started the grocery trip, I asked the Lord to help me know what to get him.
I grabbed the bananas for my own groceries knowing I would at least put one in his bag.
All of the produce seemed to require teeth. Apples are another go-to, but that's not easy for people with bad teeth. Pre-made salads looked healthy - but again, lots of chewing, and honestly, probably not filling for being on the street all day. Berries would be good -but messy, hard to manage on the street, and perish easily when not eaten right away or stored properly.
I went to grab a Bolt-House Farms drink. These are nutritious, filling, and he had said he wanted coffee. Their Mocha-Cappuccino is one of our favorites! This would be easy to carry and the bottle can be refilled with water. Out. Not a single one in stock. Hmmm...... what can I get him?
A Lunchable concept hit my brain. That would work!
I grabbed one after comparing it with what looked like a healthier version.
The healthier version had similar nutrition but more protein and fat. I liked that from the standpoint of helping him feel well, but there were almonds included and those teeth! Wouldn't work, so I settled on the turkey, cheese, and crackers with a Capri-sun Lunchable.
What else?
Cheese Sticks. Granola Bars. Yogurt. Water Bottle.
As I went to get these, I was able to pick up the pasta, cheese, and butter for our homemade mac-n-cheese.
The cheese sticks were by the meats. I saw a drinkable yogurt and chose the small size because he may need to drink it today without a refrigerator. More fat, more protein, and easy to carry. This was perfect. When I looked for the granola bars, I saw the Instant Oatmeal packets and bought a box to share with him. These would be great fiber and filling and he could probably get free hot water, a spoon, and a coffee cup at any gas station to make this on the go.
I was frustrated when I was picking out a granola bar, because they were mostly carbs without the macronutrient ratios (the % of fat, carbs, protein) I wanted to give him as a stand-alone snack. However, when I looked at the protein bars nearby - I couldn't help but remember how many we have tried and thrown away or suffered through. It would be better to give him something he would eat than something that requires him to try before he adopts it into his diet. So, I settled on the box of 10 Quaker Chocolate Chip granola bars. They would not satiate for long, but they would at least provide some chewing and short term energy to feel like he is eating. It would work as part of the food ensemble I had collected. I grabbed a bottled water from the cooler at the checkout. He would be able to reuse this I hoped.
As I checked out, I made triple bagged the items I had bought him. Some I gave straight to him, others I opened the packages I had bought for us and gave him portions he could use. He would have more than enough to get through today and possibly some tomorrow.
As I was about to pay, I remembered his comment about the motel. I had noticed he smelled of smoke when he got in my van. I was discouraged, because the issue comes up whether or not to give people money when they will spend it on alcohol or drugs; well, for me, I also don't want them spending it on cigarettes which are not only bad for their health but for ours as well. Our family HATES walking through cigarette smoke and many of us have physical reactions to it. So, I don't feel I am trying to be judgemental, but I truly do not want to participate in encouraging that habit. However, is it my place, when I am giving, to put conditions on what someone does when I give them "my money"? This is another area of contemplation ripe for growth.
I choose to give anyway. Give first, judge later if you must, but let it go and trust you did your part to be a blessing to that individual. They will be accountable for their actions and choices just like I am accountable for mine. I want to error on the side of generosity if anything.
So, I said, "Yes, cashback" to the card reader. I wanted to just do $20 for no other reason than habit, culture, conditioning, whatever it was. But, I knew that was not going to be as fruitful as it could be if I gave enough to meet a need. Not my opinion of what he needed, but what did he say? He was saving for a motel. I chose $100. I could at least buy 1 night for him so if the weather was cold and he truly needs to go, he will have the ability to not be sleeping outside. Or, if his friend will let him stay, this will be an encouraging start towards his savings campaign. Hopefully, it will encourage him that he can do it and he will be successful. It did not buy him his goal, but I hope it bought him a little more hope than he had when he was standing on the side of the road holding his sign.
I opened the box of granola bars and tucked the money inside there. I tied up the bag and was on my way to deliver it to him. I saw him from a distance still sitting in the McDonalds, by himself. He had waited. He had trusted me; that I would come back and do what I said I would do. He was vulnerable.
I realized I could not remember his name. I was discouraged, because I wanted to call him by his name when I saw him and handed him these gifts. I felt shallow but knew I was human. I would just have to ask him his name again, in humility, and try to create a memory trick this time to remember it.
As I got closer, I noticed he did not have any food, he was only drinking his diet coke. I asked if he had gotten his food and he said he had already eaten it! I did not realize my shopping had taken that long. I wanted to make sure he understood me, and so I asked again to clarify. He assured me he had gotten his food, already eaten it, and had cleaned up and was just waiting. He was in a pleasant mood.
I handed him the tied bag and told him there was some money in the granola box so not to throw it away without checking in there first. I remembered I needed to pray for him. That was how I could leave this scene feeling like I had not only met his need at the moment but I could call in provision for him from my Father who has, and continues to, take care of my needs.
Ask whatever you need according to My will and know that I hear you, and if I hear you, know that you shall have whatever you asked for. (my paraphrase of 1 John 5:14+)
I can ask for things for other people on behalf of my Father! It's not all up to me to meet everyone's needs at all times.
I put my hand on his shoulder to offer a prayer over him.
"I am sorry, I forgot your name. What is your name again?" I asked.
"Mark," he said with grace and joy in his voice.
"That's right," I said and I immediately thought of the books in the Bible. Matthew, Mark...
"Like the second book of the New Testament," he spoke up.
We were on the same page. I was comforted to know that he mentioned the Bible as my prayer may be more welcomed.
"May I pray for you before I leave?" I asked.
He welcomed it, and I prayed a blessing over him. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember thinking how simple it was. It seemed weird that is was too simple. But it was. Here was this man who needed more help than I could give at the moment. I needed God to intervene and guide him the way he should go to make his way prosperous, successful in the goals he has. It seemed God had passed the baton to me for a few moments, and it was time for me to pass it back to Him.
He was thankful, and I walked away. After I picked up my bags and put my grocery cart away, I looked back at where he was sitting. I was curious if he was curious to look at how much I had given him. Wouldn't we all be?
He had untied the bag and was looking through it at what was there. I smiled and decided I did not need to stay this time to see if I gave until he cried. I was about to myself.
To be used in this way is such a gift to those who are on the receiving in; however, to be able to not only recognize the needs of others, but to have the abundance to give (or enough to share), and to have the awareness, self-control, or self-discipline to stop and make the time.... it is a gift back to me.
It feels like a superpower, and for the walk back to the van, I felt like a super-hero in the Kingdom of God. In the Incredibles, Syndrome says, "When everyone is super, no one is." I got that at the time, and I thought I agreed. But now, as I write this, I disagree.
With God, we can all be super together.
The next time you see someone on the side of the road with their sign, may the Holy Spirit prompt you to make the time to stop. Bless that person in whatever way you can make the sacrifice and use your faith in those moments.
You truly will not be able to buy your own happiness, but today I realized we can buy some for someone else and in turn it brings us ours. :)
Now off to eat and get those checks in the mail (I hope)! ;)
Share God's Love.
Blessed to be a blessing,
~Rachelle :)
VETERAN RESOURCES:
If you know a veteran who is struggling, please know there is help out there. You can call 800-273-8255 and Press 1, text to 838255 or chat online at VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat.
You can also reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat online here.
Government Website: Veteran Benefits - for ALL VETERANS
